RIGHT! I remember now: I got dumped by the woman who is now my ex-girlfriend. And not just dumped as a girlfriend, but as a friend, too. (The former was a little stingy, the latter hurt a lot.)
It was. By all accounts. And Emotional Explosion from which I'm still picking out the shrapnel.
But, it wasn't really a traditional kind of dumping. It was the kind of dump where she made it impossible for me to continue dating her and so I had to dump her. Mind fuck.
And it wasn't over any major issue, really. Well, to be fair, she felt it was a major issue. I thought that it was just a misunderstanding that got blown up - or that she blew up - into a MAJOR catastrophe.
See, the thing was, we were going along just fine fine fine and then suddenly there was this miscommunication about a date we were going on - she thought it was going to be quality time together, I thought it was a "hey there's this amazing show, wouldja like to come see it with me" kinda thing. I understand why shy would have misunderstood that the central and sole reason for the get together wasn't the show -- it's something that's quirky about me, and I apologized for not making it clear -- and when she found out about that fact, she wasn't pleased. We talked. She claimed she was fine. You know, in that way that people say, "I'm f i n e" when what they really mean is that they're NOT fine, but they're either a) going to make you work to find out what's really going on by apologizing up and down and begging them to open up to you because you can't stand being left out in the cold OR b) NOT going to talk about it at all and let you simmer in their passive aggression.
So, knowing that she might need some room, I said, "Ok. Is this one of those times that you need some time to figure out what you want to say or how you feel?" (The code term we developed to get us out of what could be deep shit when it didn't have to be.) And she said, "I don't know." Hm. Conundrum. How do I respond to that? Well, I figured, "Ok. Well let's talk later when maybe you'll know how you're feeling. 'Cause I don't know what else to say." We got off the phone. I thought: "Phew. Major altercation averted!" And went on with my day.
Around 3pm I get a text, "Have anything to say yet?" Huh... weird. So, I called and said I thought we were waiting for her to say something... and that was the beginning of the end. From there everything unraveled...it was "We're not on the same page." and "You don't understand me." and then it progressed onto, "All I'm asking for is a little support." and "I'm in excruciating pain." And all the time I was like, "Huh? Wha? Where did this come from? This is *not* what I signed up for." And, lest I seem really cold... I totally engaged in all these multi-hour conversations and pages-long emails with care, respect (well, except for the one time I really felt fucked with and told her to where to stick it) and integrity (I wasn't going to cave and apologize for anything I hadn't done just to get the emotional tornado to stop.)
And then it came down to, "Well, if these are your values, then I think we should part ways." She wrote it to me. And I agreed that parting ways would be a good idea. We were in such a Gordian knot by that point.
So, that's the backstory. The front story is that I've been really reeling from this experience. I mean, nine or twelve months with this woman and then KABLAMO, it's over in a big mushroom cloud. And I don't get it. I mean, she said she was totally fine with all the limitations I had - with time and, well, mostly time. I didn't have very much time at all and when I did have time I wasn't always present. And she kept saying she was in it because I was worth it and because she loved me. And I believed her. I believed that she thought I was ok.
And as nutsy as this may sound (since, at least in the opinion of my friends, who, granted, have only gotten my side of the story), I miss her. Or, I miss the person I thought she was. Or maybe she is that person and the alchemy of us just made her lose her shit all over me.
In any case, I couldn't sleep in my bed for a month afterwards and I didn't know why until a few weeks ago when a friend said, "Well, the last person who shared that bed with you really hurt you." Hm. Psychology. And my daughter really misses her and tells me that she doesn't want me to date anyone else because she feels bad for my ex-friend.
Girl, that really hurts. Ex-friend. Two years together. WTF.
Since then, I've had a whole SLEW of shit to deal with and so I have a backlog of emotional stuff to process. And it begins with breaking up with her. So, here I am dealing with it and realized that I never mourned that relationship.
Images are coming up for me.
Her smile (obvious, I know, but true).
Her intelligence.
Her curiosity.
Her hugs.
Her support.
Her companionship.
Hm. That's a pretty generic list. Odd. I mean, to protect the guilty, I can't get into much more detail than I already have. But even when I think it over, I realize that what I really miss and what I really bought into was how much she was into me. It's not that I loved the adoration in general. It's that I believed that she, specifically, thought I was amazing and that made me feel amazing and her rejection made me feel like all that was a lie, or at least not entirely true.
I guess I really internalized her feelings for me. Or what she expressed to me were her feelings.
Hm.
I guess that's why the rejection of our friendship hurt so much.
Wow. I feel lighter.
I feel the ropes loosening. I think I'll be able to pull them apart soon and the whole thing will fall untangled onto the ground floor of my emotional foundation.
Now I know one of the take-aways from this relationship. And that makes me breathe easier.
Thanks for reading,
Pandora
