Humanity - The Sad and the Great

Yesterday started off with my friend texting me that she had just seen the website "The People of Walmart" (don't look it up, please) where some person had posted pictures of people from across the country who work at Walmarts. I'd heard of the site a few nights previous and had heard comments like, "It's amazing how much alike they all look like no matter what part of the country they're in. It's like something happens to them when they start working there." And so on and so on... (p.s. My friend texted me that she felt sad when she perused the page which had been forwarded to her, she said, by a "really nice guy.")

"They" and "Them" --- in an economy where jobs are scarce, I'd think we'd be extolling the perseverance of these people for *having* a job and *keeping a job* at an employee-unfriendly company like Walmart.

High Horse Alert: These "theys" and "thems" are people with families and bills and they work at Walmart and that's all I know about them. And isn't this the same sort of thing as we did in Middle School going through the yearbook and vandalizing the pictures of those kids who we thought were "uncool" ? (I say "we" because, frankly, I don't remember if I did that or not, but if I did, I learned somewhere between then and now that it was a waste of time and unkind - probably not in that order.)

My day yesterday ended in a circle of people, all from different backgrounds, different orientations, different ages, different talents, insecurities and strengths who had just made space for one other to express themselves.

I've started up a new Out of the Box at the Pride Center in Hudson County -- in Jersey City (you should look this place up). Chilltown Out of the Box, open mic. Last night was the 2nd one and it was amazing. There were about 15 people there and we came together to support strangers and friends as they shared parts of themselves. There were pieces about love, pain, being alive, feeling dead, standing up for yourself, identity and acceptance. And there were two dancers, too. It was so inspiring.

One particular young woman got up and sang her heart out - it was hard for her - she forgot the lyrics and then was cajoled by her friends to continue by listening to the song on an iPod and singing along with it and she did it. She did it. And then she sat down. And she started crying. And ... well, I wanted to stop everything and make her feel better somehow. But every time I looked over her friends were indicating that I shouldn't put more attention on her... but I just couldn't just continue as though there wasn't this emotional experience happening ... so I was going to do one piece and just butch through it - but then I realized I had this new piece - Enough - and it's all about how we're all enough. We are all enough. And I did that piece instead - after spending all this time introducing Box... I changed my mind and did Enough.

And I felt the room focus. And I felt the room support the young woman. And I felt the woman fill with warmth. And I felt the room fill with love.

And this is the part of humanity that keeps me going.

And I am so thankful for those people in that room last night in Jersey City. For every inconsiderate person out there who does something thoughtless and hurtful...there is at least one, if not three or five people who are out in the world making it a safer place. It may be quieter work, but you can find it if you look. I did. Last night.

Feeling blessed.

Teaching and Teachers and Me Me Me

I'm taking a class in Social Work. I think I mentioned that in the "How to Study" blog. In any case, I have a feeling that this class is going to be fodder for lots of these blogs. Holy mackerel how much stuff comes up for me while being a students.

Like watching the teacher use all the same tricks and gimmicks that I use while I'm teaching. I mean, they're effective, but it is such a wild ride to actually be on the receiving end of things like,

Me: "Professor, could you repeat that, please?"

Prof: "Oh, you're going to make me remember that? Ok, I'll try...I probably won't get it the same, though." (class laughs)

or

Prof says something personal about her life - using it as an example to illuminate some point - usually something about a person she's dating or involved with. There's a pause. And then she says:

"Don't worry, I'm not going to be inundating you with info about my private life. It's just so that you get what I'm talking about." (class laughs)

or

Prof asks for people to speak more in class. Students are quiet. She says, "C'mon guys, you're making me work too hard, here!" (class laughs)

or

the WAY that she l e a d s the class to the answers she's looking for...is sooooo familiar. And she always says "yes" to what everyone offers as possible answers until she hears the one she's looking for and then highlights that one and explains how, somehow, it encompasses all the other ones that she also validated, though to a lesser extent.

And I'm thinking, "That's what I do! You mean, I didn't INVENT this way of teaching? You mean there are other effective teachers out there who read student's behavior and respond to it?"

Prof called on someone saying, "You had something to say, what is it?" And the student responded, "I didn't raise my hand."

Prof: "But you had something to say."

Student: "Yeah. How'd you know?"

Prof: "The way you..." and then she did an impression of the way the student moved her head.

And AGAIN, I'm thinking, "I do that! You mean I didn't INVENT this way of teaching??? WHAT is going on here???"

And I also think, "Yeah, well, this makes sense, huh? If a woman who is a social worker is teaching in the same manner as I've been teaching for 15 years or more...maybe this is a profession that would suit me in some ways." It's so amazing to feel like I'm being taught be someone who knows how to relate to people and students and teach with ease and passion. I feel fortunate to be in this class as my first one back into grad school (for the second time).

Chalk it up to my lack of exposure, apparently, and the poor teachers I had in all my educational experience... 'cause underneath it all? I'm just fucking flabbergasted that I'm not the only person who teaches the way that I teach, which is to say: effectively.

Ads for Smokes

So, my kid has opted out of the D.A.R.E. program -- with my support (I've heard over and over from teens I've worked with that D.A.R.E. taught them how to get high offa products they could find in their own homes -- ammonia, prescription meds, snorting vitamins - DO NOT DO ANY OF THESE THINGS).

Anyway, despite the fact that my daughter has opted out of the program, she still gets assignments from one of the 'health' teachers (ok ok, I put health in single quotes because I'm dubious about their credentials...not to dis all health teachers, but I've worked with my share of 'health' teachers who were Physical Educators and who really knew nada about the other topics covered under health like nutrition, drug abuse, physical impediments (like concussions), sex education...enough to know that it is truly common to relegate someone with no education to the responsibility of educating children on these topics.).

The particular assignment in question involved going on line and finding three ads for tobacco. My daughter found her three and submitted them to the teacher. She also found a forth, which she withheld from the teacher, but which she pulled out of the depths of her pocket and unfolded carefully and showed me: http://www.tobaccofreekids.org/adgallery/display.php3?ID=310

"I think we should talk about this," my 10-almost-11 year old said in a very sobering tone. "I didn't show it to my teacher because I didn't think she'd like it. But I want to talk to you about it."

Exasperated Daughter (ED): "They're talking about lesbians smoking and that's bad."

Progressive Mother (PM): "Yes, but they're saying a lot more here, too."

ED: "Like what?"

PM: "Like what's the main message here?"

ED: "I choose."

PM: "And who is saying that."

ED: "No one."

PM: "No, someone in the ad is saying it. Which one of the women is saying it?"

ED: "The one looking at me."

PM: "Yes and what is she choosing?"

ED: "To fall in love with a woman."

Do you see how protected my kid is from mainstream idealogy? It's amazing and scary at the same time.

PM: "Well, does a person choose to fall in love with a woman?"

ED: pause. "No, it just is. It just happens."

PM: "That's what I think, too. So, what is this ad saying about her?"

ED: "That she's choosing to be with this woman."

PM: "And what do you think mainstream Americans think about choosing to do that?"

ED: "That it's natural."

Again, do you SEE what I'm working with here? I've created a completely open-minded and hearted kid here.

PM: "Actually, mainstream America - like most Americans - are going to think that this is risky, edgy, individualistic and exciting behavior. And what else do they want you to think of as that?

ED: "Smoking Lucky Strikes."

PM: "Yup."

PM: "And do you see what these women look like?"

ED: "Yes."

PM: "Do they look like the lesbian you know?"

ED: "Why does there have to be a "look" to a lesbian. Anyone can be a lesbian!"

PM: "Right. Right. Of course, but there are certain ways that people think lesbians look and ways that straight women look. And these two women are dressed like straight women. So, what does "I CHOOSE" mean?"

ED: "It means that these woman are choosing to be with each other. That it's not something in them naturally."

PM: "Well, yeah, that's what I take from it. And is it a choice to be gay or lesbian?"

ED: "No."

PM: "So, that's kinda what annoys me about this ad is that either they're saying that being a lesbian is a choice or they're saying that these women are choosing to be sexual together because they are risky/edgy, etc."

ED:

PM: "Is there anything else you want to talk about this?"

ED: "Why do we have to put people into columns? This one is this, this one is that. Why can't we all just be human. If there weren't any labels then no one could say that someone was different from them. We'd all have to just be human!"

Achieving Apathy

I've recently been through a very tumultuous breakdown with a friend of mine. Communications got completley skewed between us and tempers flared and expectations were dropped and promises were broken and lines were drawn and misunderstandings were plentiful.

Actually, truth be told, much of our relationship has been tumultuous. We'd get along smoothly, even gloriously, for four to six weeks and then something would happen - some kind of major misunderstanding or crossing of boundaries. And then we'd spend the next three to four weeks picking up the pieces and then we'd have four weeks of goodness and then it'd start all over again. Cycle. Cycle. Cycle. It's been hard.

But now (we'll call this person "A"), A has gone too far. Our values have, apparently, diverged to such a point that A seems unrecognizable to me. And unreachable. I don't want to get into the details here, but the result is that I feel that A is so far gone that I don't even care to try and reach out. To help. To find out what could possibly be going through A's head. I feel so abused and misused and fucked-with, and now I feel that A has screwed with other people in my life, and I just don't want anything to do with A.

They say that if you hate a person, you really care. I wish I hated A right now. But I don't. Maybe I'm just numb and when I thaw out, I'll hate A and feel strongly, because I really do care. But right now, I feel that I've reached apathy.

And maybe this is a defense mechanism so that I don't get sucked back into the tumult. But even if it is that, the result is the same, I don't care. I don't care enough to get involved in the tumult, which is what I've been doing for so long. Getting involved with the tumult. And it's really hurt me - especially lately.

I don't think A is a bad person. I don't think bad things should happen to A. I care about A in so much as I hope that A has a good recovery from whatever is going on. But, as for my personal investment, I just - well, maybe it's best put that I "can't let myself care."

Well, to be totally honest, I've only felt this for the past 10 days or so. Most likely, it'll change and I'll let you know when it does. IF it does. Until then...it's nice to have some peace inside me.

Numb v. Apathy? Hm. (Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm probably just numb...we'll see.)

p.s. I do have another friend (we'll call this friend "X") that I haven't been in touch with for almost two years. I KNOW that I feel apathy towards X. It probably takes longer than 10 days to get to this point. Hmmm. But it is nice to not feel that emotional pull.

Process

Thinking about process...I think of those cooking shows where they show the making of the batter or basic fixings and then put it in the oven and then they pull out a finished product from the other oven. As if the baking itself isn't important.

Now, I know baking doesn't make for "good television," but it's absolutely vital to the process. Without those 30 or 45 or 60 minutes in the oven, the batter won't turn into a cake, the dough won't bake...

For the past three or four years I've had a bunch of things baking in my head and heart. And I feel like I'm ready to pursue them. Some of them are writings that I want to do. Others of them are actually habits and perspectives that I want to adopt.

The process of getting to the place where I feel ready to "come out" of the oven, has been trying. I had a major nervous breakdown in 2006 and I've spent much of the past four years recovering. I think I finally started to recover last May 2009 and things have been slowly getting more and more stable for me. And as they get more stable, I feel more and more ready to pursue these new avenues to realize my goals.

I'm thinking now of Ellen Degeneres' interpretive dance about coming out and coming up from depths of despair. Have you seen that? It's awesome. In any case, that's kinda what things have been like...I've been working on things like getting enough sleep, eating right, exercising, balancing friends and work, getting on top of my finances, taking care of my kid and now... NOW... I'm ready.

And all anyone's going to see, really, is this "powerhouse performer." And they're going to have no idea what all I've gone through to work up to getting back up on the stage and owning it like I was born there.

(Some of you might think that I haven't been performing - or performing well - for the last three years - and that's not the case --- but I do feel that I haven't been fulfilling my potential. I still haven't been taking myself seriously enough --- rehearsing, writing, editing, rehearsing, rehearsing, woodshedding as the cats call it.)

Roseanne Barr was asked "How does it feel to be an overnight sensation?" Her response: "That was the LONGEST night I've ever spent!" (I hope you're hearing her nasal voice, 'cause it really makes the quote.)

In any case, I'm just wanting to give thanks here for process. For the baking, not the serving. For the walking to somewhere, not the getting there. For the practicing, not the performing.

How to Be A Student

You know...we teach math, languages, english (capital E, I know), science, history, physical education, health (anti-drug use and sex-ed), and a variety of other subjects: keyboarding (that would be how to use word processing software), chorus, drama (if kids are lucky), art (if kids are even luckier) and, sometimes internships are offered in High School.

But we don't teach kids how to learn.

I just started taking a class last night. It's a class called Human Behavior and the Social Environment. It's in the Social Work department of Rutgers University and out of the 25+ students in the class, I was one of, perhaps, three people taking notes. Sure, the professor was "just" giving an overview of the class and what Social Work is about and, ok, I'm green and maybe for most of these students they already know what SW is all about...but even so, she was laying out major concepts about Human Behavior and the Fundamental Values of SW and I was typing away like a stenographer. (I think I actually got much of what she said down verbatim.)

And she was posing questions of us regarding our value systems, our expectations, our behaviors... And she was challenging us to look at certain concepts differently and she was, herself, making assumptions about what was being said by the students (which I found fascinating - one of which I'm going to explore in another post)... and all of this was fodder for my brain related to this world of Social Work that I'm thinking of entering. (No, I'm not giving up any of my performance work, I'm looking to enhance the teaching I do with underserved and marginalized populations with this work and also to help support my performance work with these studies...)

How to learn in class. Some thoughts:

*Assume you will hear new concepts.
*Assume that familiar concepts may be slightly to very different from what you understand them to be
*Think of lectures as a conversation between yourself and the professor -- write down questions of the professor and what she is talking about in your notes
*Write down everything that is said in an orderly fashion -- If the professor says, "These are the major precepts of Script Analysis" write down "SA Major Precepts" and then write down the list w/ definitions as they come up (this is assuming that your professor actually speaks based on an outline form, hopefully!)
*Highlight things that don't make sense to you
*Come up with a code so that long terminology that you have to repeatedly write or type out becomes simpler to write/type (like SW being Social Work and SA being Script Analysis and RTFT being "Read the Fucking Textbook"
*Circle things that you believe you want to research more.
*Review your notes within 24 hours of taking them - elucidate anything that you left vague or unclear.
*Remain open and available to whatever the professor is offering - no matter how trivial it may seem.
*Write down new concepts verbatim so that you can incorporate them into your vocabulary as you learn to speak in the lingua franca of this new area.

Ok. Now that I've written all this out, I feel like I'm being didactic. Probably most of you know all of this. But I figured I would put this out here because it's on my mind and I realize that I was never taught how to take notes and how to learn and that many of my students don't know how to take notes and are ineffective learners.

Learning is, in my mind, often a violent process. Not physically, usually (though I did have a martial arts teacher - he was NOT a "sensei" - who tried to teach me by being physically aggressive. This did not work for me.) It is a psychologically violent process, I believe. The student has what he or she believes to be the right way of thinking (based upon the fact that this way of thinking has gotten him or her thus far) and the teacher has a new way of thinking that he or she is, essentially, selling to the student. In order for the student to take on the new way of thinking some might say she has to take a leap of faith. Taking that somewhat literally, a "leap of faith" (at least in my view) is a leap into unknown territory, where there may not be any ground on which to land. This requires courage and stamina. And when the student does not "get" the new concepts on the first go (which is usually the case) he plummets the depths of faith into the craggy, dried up riverbed below.

This process repeats over and over until the student replaces what he knows with what the teacher knows and is able to land on the soft, grassy knoll of new knowledge that's been awaiting him on the other side of the deep ravine.

Because this is how I view learning, I have the utmost compassion for my students as they struggle with the concepts I introduce to them. Sometimes I may express impatience --- usually it's with myself for not making the leaps less risky. Occasionally, it's with my students for not being more open. But who can fault them? They were never taught how to learn.

Parenting 101

I teach teenagers. I've been teaching and mentoring teenagers for 18 years and I see it over and over and over again:

They are starved for respect and for someone to listen.

Doesn't matter if they're rich, poor, urban, rural. Give a teenager the opportunity to express herself in a space where she's going to be supported for who she is...she's going to open up and spill like a volcano.

And I've been wondering for all these years if this is just that teens don't want to talk to their parents. Anybody but their parents, just because they are their parents. But lately (like the last 10 years) I'm coming to the conclusion that it's really the fact that parents don't fucking listen. They don't listen from the first words to the 403,603rd word. It's all about what's convenient for them to hear. They see their kids as an extension of themselves and they can't separate and understand that even though this is their kid who is financially and practically dependent, he may be a completely autonomous personality.

Parents are fucking up parenting all over the place. Keanu Reeves' character in "Parenthood," says something like: "You know you need a license to drive a car, to hunt, hell, you need a license to fish. But they'll let any butthead asshole be a parent."

I've been running into a whole shitpile of butthead assholes lately and I'm getting really fed up.

Parenting 101:

*Respect your child. If you can't respect your child and how she feels and what she thinks, then FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN and allow your child to hang out with this person.
*Be compassionate toward your child. He gets enough criticism from the world, on the whole. Home is the one place he should be able to be himself and express his feelings and needs. It doesn't mean that you have to let him be a maniac - but if he's angry, don't yell. Offer to listen without arguing.
*You want your kid to talk to you? Then shut the fuck up. Listen. Really. No - shut up. No ifs, ands or buts.
*ASK your child if he or she wants your opinion on something (unless it's life threatening or truly goes against your values (I guess)). If you start by doing this, you're going to get much more reception from them, than if you just blurt out what you think and assume that she cares. Kids are so sick of being taken for granted as receptacles of "wisdom" and "advice" from adults.
*Set BOUNDARIES with your kid. Don't talk to your kid about your problems. About how insecure your kid makes you feel. Don't tell your kid that he or she is responsible for your mood ("I was doing fine until you came home."). This gives your kid WAY too much power. Your kid is a KID, remember that.
*Remember that LOVE is an action. Hug, smile and laugh with your child. Be loving. Watch your tone. If you wouldn't talk to a stranger with that tone, don't use it with your kid. Seriously. Check yourself.

And before any parents who are reading this go off on the "Where do you get off" tirade... I "get off" based on, I repeat, eighteen years of having 100s of teenagers come to me to talk out their problems and their feelings and dreams and their frustrations with the other adults in their lives. And, I happen to have a child of my very own who talks to me about nearly everything she's got to say. And who seems, so far, to be pretty damn self-assured and self-possessed. And who, when I tell her that I love you, says with a smile, "I know. I love you, too."

So that's how big my parenting dick is.
How big is yours?

And if you think you're a great parent and you do all the right things and you're on top of your game, read HIDDEN MESSAGES. I was amazed at how many ways I was mixing messages with my kid. It truly helped.

I know it's hard. There are days that I truly wish I hadn't signed up for this job. But I'm here. Bed is made. I'm sleeping in it. And if more people were doing their job, I would have fewer kids depending on me to help save them from the people they call their parents. Some of whom are actually doing some serious damage to their sense of self, if not their personal body.

I'm actually beginning the process of pursuing an MSW so that I can work with teenagers and have the credential to do so.

I know that it's unlikely that I'll be able to save the world with an MSW and that the system is effed up beyond repair in some ways...but I'm going into the system to try and do what I can. 'Cause 18 years of this has worn me down and I'm sick of having to sit on the sidelines and watch kids get fucked over by the one or two people who are supposed to be their primary support system.

If you know a teenager, ask 'em how they're doing. And really listen. Ask what they're into and engage them about that. Engage on their terms. You'll get an ear full.

Power to the Peaceful, the Listeners and Love to All - All.

Boundaries #2

Dual relationships. That's what the psych-heads call it when couples do things like:

date *and* run an organization
marry *and* work together at a company
friends who also work together to make an album
an ex-girlfriend who is your tech-support person
sleep together and serve on the Board of a co-op

Common thinking is that single relationships are very challenging to negotiate and navigate. So, it would be obvious to say that dual relationships are nearly impossible to deal with. And TRIPLE relationships...who THE HELL would get into one of those?

Order Up! One triple relationship with a side of polyamory, please!

Yes, that would be me.

And none, not one, of these dual relationshps, trio relationships, etc... has worked out. Something's always been lost in - one of the relationships gets the short end of the stick and then...BAM: Explosion Time.

It is really fun when my hobbies coincide or are, at least, of interest to my lover, friends mates. But, frankly, I need to have some things that are JUST MINE to do ON MY OWN. So, I'm downsizing all my relationships to singles.

Beginning....

NOW!

Laurie Anderson

Took a ride yesterday four hours up to Mass MoCa (North Adams, MA) to hear Laurie Anderson speak about her new piece Delusion.

She is brilliant.

And so joyful.

An eight hour car ride with two amazing friends to hear a wonderful artist talk about her process and her work for 65 minutes in the space where she is creating the work itself. It was electric. It was totally amazing. And, not surprisingly, inspiring and comforting.

Like my experience hearing Christopher Durang speak at Drew University, I found that here, again, was an artist who I admired, whose work has inspired me and who works almost entirely intuitively. The way I work. The way things/process makes sense to me.

What a gift. What validation.

And the piece she's working on sounds amazing and, for some reason, it doesn't seem that she's playing it anywhere on the East Coast except for Williamstown College in February and then off to Europe for the summer. Maybe the East Coast is getting it in the Fall 2010. But I want to see it now. (AND then). We'll see if I can rope my friends into another four hour car ride up to see the show.

And another thing. And this is almost more important than the experience of hearing Laurie Anderson share her process and me feeling validated. ... One of my goals this year is to do more doing and less talking. And doing this - going up to Mass MoCa for a day trip to hear a one hour lecture was exciting in and of itself. It was DOING something and it felt great. And next week, I'm going on a snow tubing trip with friends and the week after that I'm going to see Ani and the week after that I'm bringing friends to see a new show in Princeton. Doing things. Going to see things. To experience. It sounds simple, but I feel like it's a big deal.

Laurie Anderson inspired me to get up out of my comfort zone (*not* taking a 4 hour car ride) and it was sooooo worth it on so many levels.

Oily Hair and Oily Excuses

My hair looks better when it's oily. I know a lot of people who say that about their hair. When it's dirty, not brushed, not combed, there's a certain je ne se qua (I haven't typed that for *years* - I wonder if I got it right -- I'm not going to check, ha ha!) sense of "I'm so cool I have hair that looks like I just got out of bed AND it looks awesome." People put GUNK in their hair to make it look oily and dirty. Wild.

My friends look worse when they're oily. When they give slippery, dirty excuses for their behavior. When they decide that some selfish or narcissistic act they've committed is "for the best" and is not to be pondered or challenged in any way. When they are inconsiderate and unapologetic, they are ugly and unkempt and not cool.

I know I usually try and keep it light-ish here. But today I just have to speak out about something grave. I am a firm believer that violence - of any kind - against any person - is anti-productive and harmful. I would say I'm a peacenik, except for the fact that I also believe that if someone puts their hands on a child - any child - any dependent or person under the age of 18, they get a bullet to their head. No questions asked. No excuses inquired about. Nada. Zip. Pull the trigger. Problem solved.

Rather black and white of me, I know. And, fortunately, I don't own a gun and will never (never say never, but this one I think is true - based upon my 2nd belief above) own a gun. My first and second beliefs are not contradictory. I don't think killing a someone who beats a child is productive or harmless or even good. It's just how I feel. Strongly. Deeply.

Someone is beating a child I know. And someone I know has known about it for months and has done nothing, so far as I can tell, substantive to change the situation. And I am sick over this. Both. One I will help save, the other I will cut loose. You guess which is which.

If you are reading this, I want you to know that I believe that NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE has the right to put their hands on ANYONE (including YOU) else without consent for ANY reason. I don't care if it's an unwanted pat on the shoulder, a hug or a slam into a brick wall. They are all the same in my book. My body is off limits to anyone else's decisions -- and so is everyone else's. So help me, if I can protect one child from being in an abusive household, I will be so thankful. Even though this child will probably hate me for doing so. Because this child loves the person who is hitting her daily.

It is not black and white for this child.

Normally, I don't believe in stepping into other people's lives and making decisions that effect them substantively. This is a leap, a stretch, a risk I'm taking. But I believe that it is the only thing I can do.

DYFS, here I come.

Communication Personalities

So, have you noticed that people are falling into communication personalities?

Trads: There are those who always answer their phone.
Screeners: There are those who never answer their phone.
Squares: There are those who always pick up their voicemail and respond.
Maxers: There are those who never pick up their voicemail and respond - and let their voicemail max out (ahem).
Under 25s: There are those who only respond to texts.
Loners: There are those who don't even respond to texts.

What is UP with this? I have to LEARN the communication personality of each of my friends and colleagues to increase the chance of my getting a quick response. Some people require an email adn then a TEXT MESSAGE to TELL THEM that I just emailed them. What is UP with THAT?

And what about people responding by a different medium than the one that they were contacted in? I Facebooked someone and ended up getting a Text as a response. That was SO weird. The text read something like, "No, I didn't get it. Send it again." Ok - so call me low-bandwidth, but I kinda remember what the heck I send out partly based on the WAY in which I reached out to the person. So when I get a text I think, "what TEXT is this in response to?" I don't think, "Hm...what EMAIL or VOICEMAIL or OWL MESSAGE could this be a response to?"

We are on communication overload. All I know is when people MYSPACE MESSAGE me, I feel totally exonerated from any responsiblity for responding to them.

Voicemail Phobia

I have nine messages on my cell phone voicemail.

I'm afraid to retrieve these messages. Why? Because then I'll have nine more things to do - nine more people to call back, nine more questions to answer, nine more tasks to add to my already eight-page long document of "things to do" list.

Don't. Make. Me. Call. My. Voicemail.

Seriously. I've been come so voicemail phobic that I'll actually interrupt just about any conversation or activity that's going on just so that I can answer the cell and get whatever is going on out of the way immediately. So, it doesn't become a looming "thing to do" in my virtual world.

For instance, someone calls just to say "hi," they have no urgent message or task they need responding to...they just want to check in. And what happens if I don't answer? They leave a MESSAGE. And that's, then, a message that I have to RETURN. And that stresses me out. What if I don't have time to return the call? (You know that feature that allows you to leave messages for some people - I think it's via Verizon - without actually calling them? I love that feature.)

Ok, some of you are thinking I'm an ungrateful bitty for not appreciating that I have friends who call. It's not that. I just wish that they wouldn't leave messages unless they really needed me to call them back.

And what about the other eight messages on my voicemail? One is a butt-call from a friend of mine whose cell phone calls me all the time (and I get to hear him having a great time with whomever he's talking to...awesome...thanks....). Another is probably from my mom (and she's NOT telling me to call back when I can...just checking in). Another is probably a by-now completely irrelevant message from my daughter's school. And the other five are who-knows-who, but I don't want to sift through the others to hear them.

Shit.

Maybe we should all just text.

Boundaries #1

New Year's Resolution #1: Set Up and Maintain proper, me-based Boundaries about everything.

Like people. Boundaries with people are difficult. THAT's the understatement of the year (it's only January 4th, I'll be making lots more come the following days/weeks/months). Boundaries with people are like restraining myself from coming when I'm so close to coming... Boundaries with people are like tantric sex -- the whole channeling of the sexual/sensual energy into positive/productive use (am I even CLOSE in getting that accurately?)... it's so much easier to come. To undulate, writhe and rattle and shake and roll and get it all out and then be spent... than to harness that energy and move forward with it. The immediate (or in some folks' experiences, not so immediate) gratification is so so so so so...gratifying and so much easier, as such.

'Cause it would be so easy for me to lean into some of the people around me right now, just say the magic words, "I'm falling apart." And at least a few would come knocking down my window or door to find out what's wrong, to prop me up on my fully-functional legs.

But the truth is that I'm in pain. I'm lonely. I'm feeling rejected. I miss two people in my life -- people who have worked their ways into the neural transporters of my mind. (A poetic and unemotional way of saying I love them deeply.) And nothing can really assuage that pain. As of now, two major, deeply emotional relationships have entered into flux.

Flux does not comfort provide.

Flux does not security offer.

Flux means that things change. And I will not break. I will bend.

I can feel my emotional tendons resisting.

So...Boundaries #1 is learning to accept where dear, dear friends are coming from and to not take it for granted that it is something I have to be happy about. That I won't always feel connected 100% to anyone and that this is a truth I can depend upon. Which is liberating. (While not exactly making me feel like getting up and dancing).

Respect the Escalator

Ok, so I haven't been around for nearly six months and that's because my life kinda blew apart in August and I'm still picking up pieces and debris and pieces of fucking schrapnel in the shapes of the main aorta to my heart...little things like that. But more about this later....I'm sure. (I just saw the movie IT'S COMPLICATED...let's just say that if one is in the midst of ending a relationship, one should NOT go to see this movie, ALONE, with a happily-in-love-couple. No. Nix on that. Not a happy way to begin my new year. Fortunately, my new year began at 12:01 am last night when I was having a BLAST with friends.)

So, I'm scooting out of New York City on this first day of thew NEW FUCKING DECADE --- PHEW! Can I get a Hallelujah? We got the fuck out of that decade... shit. I mean some really great things happened, but overall...really? really? It was a train wreck. And I'm on the Suburban bus out of Port Authority, down the New Jersey Turnpike feeling as though I'm being sped closer and closer to the beginning of my new life - balance, sense-of-self, friends, quiet, emotionial sobriety...

And the first message the new decade sent me - that caught my eye - was at Port Authority - and it's sticking in my head even now as I speed to exit 9 on the Turnpike. It was:

Respect the Escalator.

There are killers, rapists, terrorists, murderers, there are thousands of horrific ways to die - swine flu, AIDS - 40 million children in poverty in the United States. And someones had to design, approve, have printed, distribute and then POST posters that read:

"Respect the Escalators."

Do esclators get more respect than teachers because they're allowed to choke you to death if you manage to wear a ridiculously too long scarf? Do they get more respect from parents because they, when not broken, will DEFIINITELY get you UP and DOWN to your destination? They're dependable? And they have that emergency STOP red button at the top and bottom of them that everyone always itches to hit but doesn't. Is THAT why we should respect it? I've got an automoatic STOP button that would rattle a shitpile of people if it were hit hard enough at the right time... Can I get some respect.

Well...it was an ugly poster, so it probably won't get much attention.



Respect yourself.

and tie your shoes when you get onto an escalator.

Peace,

Pandora